The Chronicle of Chronicles
by DeRaza360
Summary: In a world were the rules of physics don't quite apply, Volimus and his party must venture out into known lands. However, the land can rapidly change, and without notice.
1. CHAPTER ONE BEGIN

**The Chronicle of Chronicles**

_**This is a collaborative effort between me and a tree. We wrote this with the most serious of thought, grandeur and swagger in mind.**_

**Disclaimers: We do not own the My Little Pony franchise or any of its counterparts. Some characters used in this fiction belong to Hasbro Inc. and rights may be reserved. We do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of its counter parts. Some characters belong to Disney. We do not own the Austrian Parliament of Australia. We own a copy of The Bible, however, we did not create The Bible and nor do we own any of its characters. Some characters belong to God. We do not own Nintendo or Mario. Bob the Builder is trademark of the guys who made Bob the Builder. Same goes for Barbie. Good on you, guys. Keep up the good work.**

**This disclaimer applies to all chapters. You don't want to read this on every chapter, do you?**

**This story is that of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, locations or things is purely coincidental.**

**Remember kids, the internet is serious business.**

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE BEGIN**

It was a moonless night. The stars were covered in a thick blanket of clouds, smog, and smoke. The howl of wolves flew through the air, discerning all of those who were outside - including a wizard and his companions.

They stood outside the inn. Although they were being pelted with rain they were not sure if they should go in or not. The wizard had his suspicions that they wouldn't be allowed to stay. People weren't all that accepting of adventurers.

'We go in now, boss?' asked Borklar, the orcish warrior who safeguarded Volimus, who was a human wizard. This warrior was not intelligent; he was alike to most orcs. He was big, strong, stupid, and hefting a great axe on his back.

Volimus looked to his seven-foot bodyguard. 'I'm not quite sure,' he whispered. He let the wind blow back the hood of his cloak.

'They'll probably just keep us out like the others.'

"And what of thine divine beard?" asked Twinklefuck to Volimus.

"What of my beard?"

"It seems, inadequate. Perchance they'll reject our hostility simply based on your aesthetic facial hair." Volimus didn't quite suspect this would be the case; he was quite fond of his beard (with hairs like the streams of a flowing river), though his beard may have some effect on the general outcome of the situation.

Volimus slapped the rump of his mount, the almighty unicorn Twilight Sparkles.

'Don't smack my ass like that - do I have to let you borrow a book on it?' she retorted.

"Oh well," Twinklefuck inquired, "we just have to stay here for one night. This is only a small step in our quest to capture the bounty of the elusive squirrel eel."

Pitobulus butted in at that point. "Some say that if you're caught by the eel while you're in the vicinity of a PINGAS (prestigious interloper not gotten awesome sex), you'll be turned inside out and have your spleen entered in a beauty contest." His chin bobbed up and down THE ENTIRE TIME.

Volimus sighed. He didn't expect his life to turn out like this. 'You know, Twilight, I remember the day I brought you into this universe. That was a completely unique day, unalike to any day in any way.'

* * *

_ It was a moonless night. The stars were covered in a thick blanket of clouds, smog, and smoke. The howl of wolves flew through the air, discerning all of those who were outside - including a wizard and his companions._

_ They stood outside the inn. Although they were being pelted with rain they were not sure if they should go in or not. The wizard had his suspicions that they wouldn't be allowed to stay. People weren't all that accepting of adventurers._

_It was at that point that a seagull fell from the sky and landed on Volimus's thigh. Volimus, being quite uncooked by this, accidently cast a spell on Borklar, however, due to the field of pure awesomeness encompassing his body at all time, the spell deflected of Borklar and onto the dead bird on his thigh. It exploded. Then this old, purple filly trotted up. Volimus wondered what it would feel like—_

* * *

'Actually,' said Volimus, 'I don't want to talk about that anymore. Let us go inside.'

The band of adventurers (consisting of Twinklefuck, Volimus, Borklar, Twilight Sparkle, Captain Jack Sparrow, Jesus Christ, Julia Gillard, Bob the Builder, Pitobulus, and four unlucky chickens) walked into the inn. It was a quaint little place, and a bit crowded among all of those chickens. The innkeeper looked at them in disgust and mistrust.

On most days, Scootaloo saw nothing more than what she saw nothing more than a Scootaloo sitting behind a desk at a crumbling inn where the only things that an amphibious pony sitting behind a desk at an inn would see were the things that a filly sitting behind a counter in an inn would see.

'I see you've finally developed your cutie mark,' announced Julia Gillard (with grandeur.) She was gazing at the little pony's rump, although she wasn't looking at the big picture of a sandwich toaster on it. She was trhoroughegjklyly inspecting her rump... sexually. Julia Gillard, being the snake she is, wished to slither up there.

The small party swaggered up to the counter and tapped the bullfrog alarm system beside the cockatoo in order to gain the attention of Merlyn, who was currently sucking on carrot stalks about 9,001 km away. 'What would ypou folks injoy yo has?' he axed.

Captain Jack Sparrow did his first thing since he was born, he spoke.

'I'll have some rum.'

'There is no rum!'

'Why is the rum gone?' he asked, though he didn't get an answer as he killed himself right there. The blood spilt everywhere, drowning two of the chickens.

'Because it is a popular beverage.'

'Oh dear, it seems something terrible has happened,' said one of the chickens. His name was Youlfrick von Holfenstrolphous... and he was damn sexy.

'I have misplaced my genitalia.' She took no note of the people who were dying. He was an insensitive fucker.

'All will be forgiven,' whispered Satan. He then returned back into his homeypot of doom.

"Well, well, well," Volimus said, and three wells appeared embedded in the wall. "I do believe that we'll be staying here for two nights, take away one night."

Twinklefuck was the first patron to venture up into the mysteries of THE DREADED UPPER FLOOR (dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuun!) when Scooooooooooooooooooooooooot aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaloo ooooooooooooooooooooooo decided that now would be the perfect time to spontaneously burst into flames and allow the adventurers to stay in the inn free of charge. Good thing too, they didn't have any money to begin with. It was all taken by the damn elusive squirrel eel. Damn him to Finland.

Scottaloo was enraged by her own decision; she meant to kick them out of the inn, free of charge.

She began to cry and whispered to herself, 'It could be worse.' She crumpled to the floor and performed an action of Bronson's fantasies.

The flames eventually burnt her out of existence. Borklar and co. swaggered all the way to their room. To their dismay (and to some party members, their enjoyment), they found only one bed throughout the entire inn. They'd all have to share it. Remember, sharing is caring. So they all slept together.

* * *

Twilight began to write to her lover, as she always sent a letter to him on every day. _Dear Princess Celestia, _she baggin. _It'sa me! Mario! Today I learnt that existing is fun, and I'd very much _love love love love_ to continue existing. Your faithless student, Twilight Sparkles._


	2. CHAPTER TWO BEGIN

**CHAPTER 2 BEGIN**

**Disclaimer: And we don't own the rights of any other copy-righted things we wrote about but forgot to mention here.  
**

During the middle of the depths of the center of the exact halfway point of the night, Jesus awoke; terrified from a nightmare he just had. It was always the same. He'd just be standing in a flat, green, grassy field, when all of a sudden a huge-headed alien would drop out of the sky (upside down) screaming in his face "IM TEH BOM MUDERTHOKER!"

He hated it, hated it as much as he hated Marmite. Jesus went to the basin to wash his face, though since he can walk on water his feet flung up and into the sink and got him stuck there. The bathroom door closed on him, and his pleas for help were unheard (or ignored) by the rest of his party. He eventually exhausted his nine lives on starvation.

In the morning after, when Jesus was inevitably trapped, looking at his clean feet. 'What hast I forsaken me?' he shouted to the roof, or, more specifically, the UV lightbulb on the roof. He remembered the days where he had one of those for a penis; they were some funky days, full of sex, hookers, sexy hookers, pants, and re-runs of _My Gargantuan Stallion: Mutual Liking Towards Others Is An Act Performed By Sorcerers and Various Creatures Who Manifest The Forces Of Magic_.

* * *

Twinklefuck was the first to arise. It was much like any other day he'd arise, except today everything was completely different. He was being squashed under the weight of a wizard, a pony, two chickens, Chuck Norris, a snake, an orc, a builder, an angel and a captain. He temporarily turned himself into the Michellin tire man and hoisted the entire party (including himself) up off the bed and outside the inn's window. From there on, they continued their ultimate quest.

Ifshrollifrphroustalo das Viltonphogbenorasholla, the previously unnamed chicken, spoke up. 'Hello,' she said. She then exploded. It's bad to be an unlucky chicken. Who knows? You might suddenly EXPLODE.

Volimus looked back to the crater which Ifshrollifrphroustalo had left, and sighed. He was sad to see his friend-chicken leave to the bitter afterlife.

'Do you guys remember how we all met?' The sound of nostalgia was clear in his voice. You could not mistake the pain and longing in his tone; he was definitely not happy. He decided to recall the wonderful tale of sexy proportion.

* * *

_They met because they all walked in on Jesus masturbating. Pitobulus was like "WOAH! I expected Jayman to grant my wish! Not to be fiddling his shuttlecock!" All the other members of the future party joined at that point and gazed in awe. They decided that, because they all experienced that awesome experience, they would form a party and indefinitely venture together forever and ever._

It was only a matter of time until they took up the task of searching for the bounty of the elusive squirrel eel. Kate's party was doing it, so why couldn't they?

Well, actually, there was a chance that they couldn't do it. The party was a bit stupid.

* * *

Bob the Builder looked towards his party with a piercing gaze. His black eyes dripped black tar-like tears. He smiled as he watched his party shudder in fear. 'Well, we should get on our way, shouldn't we?'

"Aye, yes, we should should should." Pitobulus rustled his wangs up. He flew into the sky and hit an aeroplane.

"Thank you for flying with YOUR DOOM!" He then swiftly glided back down to the sky.

Twirlight Spankles got frightened and galloped away with Volimus barely hanging on. She tripped on a hotdog and fell into Borklar, who then combusted into fairy floss and reversed the action.

Twinklefuck got excited by this, and exclaimed "By the fruit gods, I have experienced events that only I shall experience!" He could barely hold onto his panties.

And so, they wandered off into the lands of Faerun.


	3. CHAPTER THREE: THE JAR OF JESUS

**CHAPTER THREE: THE JAR OF JESUS**

* * *

"Well, we better go to Jesus's liar," said Pitobulus. Three days later they arrived at the Batcave.

Pitobulus said nothing. Volimus said "Let's go into the Jesus liar." And with that, they swaggered on in on.

Unfortunately, they took a wrong turn and actually ended up at the Batcave. A Halfling in black spandex walked out to great them… with grandeur! He had the crest of a bat on his shirt. Next to him walked a tall man of about eight feet. He was tall and seemed to be escaping from this midget. He had a few bags of swag which he carried with swagger. He was robbin'.

'Greetings, insistent men who walk with grandeur!' announced the bat-like man. "Allow me to unwelcome you to my Batcave! My name is Manbat, but you can call me Jerry!"

With that, Volimus spanked the plot of Twirlit Spanklies and charged into the two men things in question, yelling "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!" His collision with the pineapple cause an orgasm of extreme flutiness.

When the said event was complete, many people by the names of 'Bob', 'Louise' and 'Mordred' were not left dying in the suns of Earth. Alternately, Manbat was screaming in agony. "AH! You bitch-nigger! How dare you do this to me!' He gazed back to his honky-mahfah cave, hoping that these marauders would not invade and eat all of his fish. They did precisely that, although Bob the Builder threw up inside a tuba.

The party now consisting of Twinklefuck, Volimus, Twiekle Spanuel, Pitobulus, Borklar, Julia Gillard, and those two chickens. Both the chickens suddenly died from HNGH from staring at Twilight Spoarkles too long.

And so, the party continued their quest to find the elusive bounty of the elusive squirrel eel.

* * *

Their next encounter was that of the Giant MEOW. It stood there, with each character of the word MEOW defiantly looking down upon the adventurers. Bob the Builder pulled out his trusty lawnmower from his pocket and sheared that mother-fucking bush down.

"Take that, civil protection!" he exclaimed. Then a pirate popped out of the bush screaming, "JERRAH JERRAH HOI!" Following this pirate was a legion of virgin kittens. They were all white, except for one who was ginger and purple.

'Aye, the sorrowful march of the kittens has begun once more,' Volimus murmured. He had dreamed of this day. He knew it was going to be the day of Borklar's death.

The kittens converged around Borklar the Orc Warrior, and he started flailing his axe about, severing the kittens that were slowly biting his ankles. Try as he might, however, the kittens were gaining ground. They started huffing up his thighs, then his arms, then his feet, then eventually his head. All his party could do was watch as Borklar caught fire and burned to a cider.

Volimus sighed a long, orgasmic sigh, "I believed he would've gone further than that." From his fingertips, Volimus cast a spell on the cider and the remains of Borklar and turned it into a cactus.

'Aye, and a brave cactus he will be,' lamented Twinklefuck. 'His legacy will always live on… although it will be more spiky than it used to be.'

'But hissss limbssss will alwayssss be cactussss,' hissed Julia Gillard in her snake form. In truth, she had no human form. She was, and always would be, a snake. It was alike to how Kevin Rudd was a hamster (note 'how'; Kevin Rudd was poly morphed in a big, fat seal), and how Tony Crabbot was a crab. Kevin Rudd was very disappointed by the fact that he was turned into a seal, because he had always wanted to be a tree.

Despite these gruesome facts, they pushed on, willingly. WUB WUB WUB. Now they had to draw their attention back to the swaggering obstacle in the way, the MEOW. Volimus cast a teleportation spell and they were all on the same side that they were on to begin with. Five teleportation spells later, they made it to the other side.

"Migration is a pain," said Pitobulus, and flew back home. Volimus and co. swaggered on with grandeur.

They found it. They found the mountain which contained the fountain which contained the staircase that led them to the liar that contained a portal to an elevator that took them down to the five levels of MEOW that eventually led them to a room that only had three walls and a cat which when entered into the correct position teleported them to the icicle that contain the booty of the eel which would give them directions to the booty of the elusive squirrel eel.

'Alas, my heart beats for thee… mountainè,' whispered Bob the Builder. 'My heart is a serape though; it is made of cast iron, oxidised by carbon, and forged by a rubber chicken!'

'Yes,' said Volimus, whose volume seemed to be quite prominent in his name. 'Our destiny waits before us, before that mountain of space-cats.'

They swaggered onward.

Julia Gillard axed a question, "What time is it?" Twilight Sparkle sexily rotated around. Her eyes turned into fireballs and her heart stopped wubbing.

"There are things in this world that a snake such as you should not see." She slowly rotated back around. Her hooves never moved THE ENTIRE TIME.

* * *

Royal gala apples.

* * *

When Pitobulus arrived home, he found that he doesn't have a home, so he punched a squirrel and started to swagger back toward the mane party.

With grandeur, Volimus cast a magic spell of magic and grandeur. This magic spell of grandeur caused an explosion of grandeur, filling the air with a sense of grand grandeur. It was a truly grand thing to see. Volimus rubbed his beardless, pre-adolescent chin and smiled, glad that he had a long moustache.

'Sssssssshall we continue then?' asked Julia Gillard.

'Yes,' said Twinklefuck.


	4. CHAP FOUR, YO

**CHAP FOUR, YO**

* * *

The party moved towards the mountain with grandeur, and they arrived there much later. They swaggered to the fountain (which was mentioned earlier) and drank of its waters.

Pitobulus arrived where the party used to be, though they were no longer there anymore. 'Shit,' he said with grandeur, 'this is a load of bullocks.' He looked to his left, and then he looked to his right. He put his left foot in and he shook it all about. He turned around. After turning, he was facing the mountain. He decided that that might be a good place to go. 'Thank you, hokey pokey.' He unfurled his wangs and fell over.

Meanwhile, in Canada, Twinklefuck and co. were slurping up the liquid-like water from the fountain, and when they slurped up all there was to slurp, they revealed the staircase underneath it. Up they went, climbing the stairs of ivory.

And then…

THEY FINISHED CLIMBING THE STAIRS!

Upon reaching the top of the stairs, they meet with something completely unexpected. They had stumbled upon Jesus's liar. In this brand new area, they revealed a hidden portal inside the big, black, blue, bulging, betiding box.

'So like, we go into the portal now?' asked one if the party members. God couldn't decide who said it. 'I hope it doesn't turn us into chickens. That would be most unfortunate, especially since it would make us unlucky.'

The guardian of the portal stepped into view. He was a horrific sight – a clown in yellow and red with odd red hair. His face was painted white and he looked very, very happy. 'Inswer my riddle ind you miy piss!' it invited.

'Hold,' said Volimus, 'and tell us of who you are first.'

'My nime shill never be known to you!' it shouted. 'My nime is Rolind McDolind.' Julia Gillard decided that enough isn't enough and slithered up the horrific creature's pantaloons and into his potty area.

Then Barbie showed up and went "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Julia the snakeslinger and Rolind the clown engaged in extremely close combat, injuring each other yonder extent. There would be many baby crocodiles to be born after this. Many indeed.

Rolind asked his riddle. 'Whit is brown, but brown when brown? It is ilso brown it miny points, engiging in ictivities which highlight thit fict thit it is brown?'

'Hmm…' vibrated Julia Gillard in Rolind's pantaloons. 'Would this thing be brown?'

'Yes! Yes it would,' agreed Rolind. He then remembered a snake which biting him in a sensitive area. He began to swat at his own crotch, screaming in pain when he hit his own snake instead of the other snake. In the end, both snakes were detached from his crotch and he fell down, not dead. Julia Gillard died.

'Splendid!' announced one of the characters. 'Another party pooper has died! Maybe I'll be able to keep track of whom is in my party now.' It is often debated that Volimus said this, being the party leader and all, though many squires and custodians believe that it may have been Bob the Builder, seeing as this quest is a bit broken and you know, he does want to fix it.

* * *

Somewhere else, Pitobulus was taking a piss on a very unfortunate tree.

"Sure am I glad I don't piss out of my wangs. Ha!"

* * *

Back in the liar of Jesus, the party swaggered onward toward the portal. Just above the portal, a sign proudly stating 'This portal leads to Equestria' was being hung by a Billy Bumbler and a falcon.

"Well, let's go in," said Borklar two years ago.

"Wiit!" exclaimed Rolind of McDonilds. "I hive forgotten to inform you of the iiiiiiii!"

Volimus rotated his stead until he was facing the menace.

"The iiiiiiii does not apply to us, fair maiden. We must be off." And so they swaggered, into the portal and never to be seen again until they met someone else.

* * *

Meanwhile, in California, Pitobulus caught scent of the rest of his dwindling party.

"Aye, aye, captain! Be off we!" Pitobulus swaggered through the air at amazing speeds. His wangs could barely keep up with the awesome. His face was being stretched and his feet felt as if though they were being tugged off. Just ahead of him a force field of g-force was being created. Eventually this turned into a slipstream which was allowing him to slip through the air like a banana on a waterslide.

Pitobulus thought that he could handle no more of this extreme speed, and just at that moment, he broke the sound a light speed barriers, causing an explosion of colour, pure awesome and a big bang to occur in the same point at the same time. At least twelve universes were created in that moment.

Pitobulus was not even a blur to himself. The landscape around him had seemingly disappeared, for the light refracting of the objects in order to give sight weren't able to keep up with him. This, in turn, allowed him to see into the edge of this universe. And as he stared out, he saw a blade of purple grass. And upon a longer observation, he saw even more blades of grass. Due to distance and scale, Pitobulus estimated that the blades of grass were each the size off one whole universe.

Then he met up with the rest of his party and was like "Yo, dawgs. What you up to?"

They were in a new area. TEXAS!


	5. CHAPTER FIV TEXAS

**CHAPTER FIV TEXAS**

* * *

Before they could understand exactly what was going on, the whole of Texas began to move… downwards.

'Ah, hello,' said Volimus as he slapped Pitobulus on the rump. Twilight gazed towards Pitobulus with malice and envy. _He usually slaps my rump!_

'Care for some porridge? I could magic some up for you.' The party wasn't sure if they should believe him though, as they barely ever got to see him use magic. On one of the few times they got to see him use magic, he had turned a seagull into a seagill. It was a horrific sight, since it was not attached to a fish.

'I do care for porridge; I care for it a lot. I care about it so much that I believe I shan't have any because eating it would kill it.'

Twinklefuck looked around, his fucking eyes twinkling. He noticed that Texas was detaching itself from the rest of 'Merica, ya'll… and that it was going down.

'Be this… Texas be the elevator which the prophecies speak of?' It then occurred to it that there was no way that they would actually know that they were in Texas… they all just suspected it. That was until they saw the top tips of the letter M appearing from the floor of the makeshift elevator rising up in all of its significance. It was so significant in all of its grandeur.

They saw a fat man named Fernando. He looked at the descending party and shouted something incomprehensible. 'Reooytreopldolphrethluhuhuhu huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu' is what it sounded like to Volimus. The only reason that they knew his name was that… Twinklefuck is psychic.

With the continuation of the descension of Texas and nothing else, they saw the full extensibility of the magnificent M.

At that point, they started to see another floor, much a like the floor they were shitting on, and on that floor there was a piano. It wasn't being played by an oversized ant.

They quickly sped down the rest of the letter E. The piano fell on Bob the Builder. He used the power of friendship to save himself. Remember; friendship equals zero. That shit is Nihilist magic, is best magic.

They got some free salami when they reached O. Remember my children of grandeur; is Don, is good, yo.

They fell down its slender side onto the W. It was stupid. They reached the forth negative floor of MEOW.

On this floor, was the most thing in the world, a room with only three walls and a cat. "OOO what's the matter?" said the cat.

"Excuse my pardon," replied Twinklefuck.

"Be gone with you!" exclaimed the cat. Volimus's party was disgusted by this.

The cat got on two legs, its front ones, and exclaimed "Think twice before tussling with the great and powerful Trixie!"

'Okay,' said Volimus. 'Thank you for the advice, my sexy mahfah.'

'You are welcome. I am a cat; it is what I do.'

'There is something else you are supposed to do,' said Twinklefuck with a fucking twinkle.

Meanwhile, Pitobulus looked at the cat, hoping he could molest it.

'What could that be?' asked the cat. 'Is it kung fu? Because I am rather sure I cannot perform kung fu.'

'Well, you are supposed to get into…' Volimus paused for dramatic effect here '… THE CORRECT POSITION!'

'Oh yes,' whispered the cat with a promiscuous grin (for the cat was horny for man penis), 'I do believe that is something I should do.' The cat then folded itself into a twenty-eight dimensional octagon with seven hundred and fifty-fourteen sides (much to Volimus' dismay).

The whole party was whisked off into Hell, a place full of fire and heat, to see the icicle.

* * *

The icicle was the icicle in its entire splendor. It dripped drops of enchantingly beautiful horse urine. This crystal was made by an alchemist who had a fetish for horses. His/her name was Eelgrabaarth. He/she had two sets of genitals. She/he melted from being in the snow for too long.

The party, consisting of Volimus, Borklar's sexy stalking ghost, Twinklefuck, Tworlit Spikel, and Pitobulus approached the icicle with a swaggering swagger of grandeur. They looked to that icicle which grew more and more frozen from the fires of Hell.

'Hello,' said Volimus with grand swagger. 'How may we introduce ourselves today?'

'We are here on our quest to find the elusive squirrel eel which may or may not have been mentioned on your pamphlet which you sent to you on east Friday,' Youlfrick von Holfanstrolphous would have said if he was still alive.

'Good point, chicken,' the icicle said. 'You are on that quest.' It was then that the party was confused. Yeah, they could see the eel in the icicle, though that didn't confuse them. What confused them was the fact that the icicle was talking to a chicken that wasn't there.

'Yes, I know we are on that quest,' Youlfrick would have said if he was alive.

_I should make a strawberry milkshake when I get home, _Pitobulus thought, stroking his magic moustache.

'Yes, and I should tell you of it,' the icicle told the party.

_Is it reading my mind? _Pitobulus asked himself in thought.

'Meow meow meow. Then where is the squirrel eel?' the chicken would have asked.

'You'll greatly enjoy it.'

_It really is reading my mind! _thought Pitobulus. _Well, two can play at that game!_ He used his psychic powers to access the mind of the frozen eel.

The eel was thinking. Here are its thoughts exactly: _Oh wow, I hope someone comes along with some ice or snow to melt this icicle for me! I could really reward those people with a map which leads to the thing that these adventurers just happen to be searching for or something along those lines at least. Perhaps the map actually leads to a magic kettle which magically creates tacos at the click of a button. Exactly what is a button? A button would taste as sweet by any other name, so why don't we just use levers? If Jesus Christ didn't die earlier (I know seeing as I am an eel) I would pray to him. Honestly, what is wrong with the ice here? Why does it freeze when heat is around? Aha! Jerrah jerrah hoi is what we should all do right now._

Volimus looked towards his friend Pitobulus. He was lying on the floor, drooling and twitching. _Hmm, _he thought. _I wonder what's for dinner, and how that happened. Ah well, he'll come around like on that other occasion where he came around. Aha! I just thought of a pun; sand witch._

Twilight Sparkle looked to her left and then to her right. She then stopped moving her head around and used some unicorn magic. Dubstep began to materialize from the air… and it was pretty awesome. The icicle broke out into a dance. It recalled its many dance classes from 1958 and it was very glad to have gone through them. It danced like this: SWAF!

Swaf is to kick one's arms into one's leg whilst balancing their teepee on their lungs. After this magnificent display of raw talent, ze bumblebee conjured itself out of fat air and began webbing together a map to the bounty of the elusive squirrel eel. The map produced was accurate to the closest atom in real life.

The bumblebee exploded into a flurry of strawberries and the party were on their way again. Pitobulus regain his conscious and the first thing he immediately did was snatch up the map and eat it.

Fortunately, Volimus has X-ray vision and can see through Pitobulus's stomach to see the map.

"Alright, according to this map, we must venture into one of the most feared, haunting, terrifying land. A land which soul no longer live in; where monsters prowl the land in search of fresh blood; a land which no one had entered and come out of untainted. California.

"Now, before we head off, does anyone want to back out now?" They all said yes. Volimus cast a mind controlling spell AND OFF THEY WENT!


	6. CHAPTER SEX CALIFORNIAN

**CHAPTER SEX CALIFORNIAIN**

* * *

And so the party swaggered on. They swaggered through mountains; they swaggered through villages; they swaggered through brothels; they swaggered through ponds and many other surfaces which are swaggable.

'I hear there are vampires in California,' muttered Volimus in one of the mentioned areas. Volimus could not decide which. 'They come towards you and they suck yer blurd; that is according to ancient Jesusarian mythology, at least. You can't always trust people who are made of horse flesh.'

'Hmm… that can be agreed on,' said Pitobulus with a sneer. 'Too bad I am not the person to agree with that!'

'I believe Youlfrick the Tree would have agreed with me, though that poor chicken died earlier.'

The pole watched them secretively, being envious of their shaven legs. Throughout its two minute life, _it never had arms_. And so, it exploded, destroying all of its leg hairs.

"What was that?" Twinklefuck exasperated as he spun around. The icicle remains of the pole stared at them enviously.

"I believe it was your virginity," replied Pitobulus.

Twinklefuck's face turned multiple shades of red and yellow, and then he digested all of the food inside him.

They swaggered on with grandeur.

* * *

It was a moonless night. The stars were covered in a thick blanket of clouds, smog, and smoke. The howl of wolves flew through the air, discerning all of those who were outside; including a wizard and his companions.

They stood outside the inn. Although they were being pelted with rain, they were not sure if they should go in or not. The wizard had his suspicions that they wouldn't be allowed to stay. People weren't all that accepting of adventurers.

'We go in now, boss?' asked Borklar's ghost, the orcish warrior who once safeguarded Volimus, who was a wizard. This warrior's ghost was not intelligent; he was alike to most orc ghosts. He was big, strong, stupid, and hefting a great, imaginary axe on his back.

Volimus pretended to looked to his seven-foot bodyguard. 'I'm not quite sure,' he whispered. He let the wind blow back the hood of his cloak.

'They'll probably just keep us out like the others.'

"But what of thine divine wand?" axed Pitobulus.

'One thing I'm sure of…' muttered Twinklefuck, 'this night is not like any night we have previously encountered.'

"Neigh! I say we move one without thought of consequence!" Twilight neighed.

Pitobulus had a great idea. There were no light bulbs turning on at that point. He unfurled his wangs to their maximum length.

"Hop on everypony but Skrillex!" he exclaimed as the entire party hopped on his wangs. Pitobulus begun to fap his wangs in order to gift himself with flight, and the entire party was flung out into the sky (including Pitobulus himself, because friendship is magic) and fell into a deep, dark hotel.

In said hotel, Volimus's eyes lay upon a computer terminal.

He kicked his mount. "Hile, steed. Bring me to the trissy." Twurkul Spanner obeyed.

"Hmmmmmmmm…" moaned Volimus in a very erotic way, "let's check our internets."

The very first e-mail for Twinklefuck was a government managed mail informing him that his crib burned down on the sideswagger yo, and he should fududdle his shuzzle.

"Twinklefuck," addressed Volimus to Pitobulus, "It seems your house no longer exists."

Twinklefuck pushed the youthful old man aside and swaggered his way to the terminal.

"Crikey!" he erotically exhaled, "It seems that we now must completely ignore this!"

So they swaggered on.

* * *

The party swaggered down the street, making the citizens of California melt solely from the effects of their rugged good-looks, when not all of a sudden they swaggered into an invisible wall.

"Damn developers," someone said.

Pitobulus pulled out a bazooka and they moved on through to the other side.

Pitobulus ate the bazooka and questioned Twilight, "So you're a horse, how do you eat mayonnaise?" This question, it seemed, was too much for Twankle Spirlight's brain to handle, hence meaning she turned into the abdominal snow-man and did nothing.

Forty-two seconds later she was back to her non-human self.

Volimus took a peek into Pitobulus's stomach with the aid of AIDS, and gazed upon the route they were soon to be taking.

Satan looked towards the party through his scrying orb. He was glad he had one of those installed in his honeypot. 'They'll soon be at their destination…' he murmured. His voice sounded rather grand (as in 'alike to grandeur', not 'big').

They flew on Pitobulus's back, over swamps, over swamps, over plant areas with lots of fetid water, over a swamp which smelled really bad because a sewer tunnel led over it, over a swamp which grew lots of mint (it smelled rather nice), and then, finally, over some mountains. After the mountain there were some indiscriminant swamps. They flew over the elusive squirrel eel's house without noticing.

'Mah boi,' said Volimus, 'that house down there is what we all strive for.'

'Oh,' said Volimus. 'I see. Let's go down then.'

And so Pitobulus flew up and out of California's atmosphere and then flew through a portal and the party ended up on the ground. Twilighjt Sparkless lost her hoofing and slowly tipped over sideways. She squished the cactus of Borklar that just happened to be stalking them.

"The house, we must enter," Billy said, and the party swaggered up to the front door.

Three-thousand repetitive knocks alerted the occupants of visitors.

'Nice that you could knock on the door for me…' whispered Borklar's ghost. 'I am the party leader, after all.' The party was confused by this, especially because Borklar was dead and a minion… although the part which stumped them most was his sentence structure.

'I still mourn for that chicken,' said a squirrel eel as it opened the door. It was a sexually attractive being with the body of a squirrel and the legs of an eel. It had the head of an eel and the flip-flops of an unfortunate human. It had the tail of a lion, just for the sake of diversity. It stood towering at twelve feet tall (which explained why the door was so big). It had arms made of noodles, although the party wasn't sure if that was part of its leather vest or if the noodles had actually grown from the squirrel body. 'Poor Youlfrick von Holfenstrolphous… he was… MY SECRET LOVER!'

The party was completely uncooked by this.

"Well, how about you take this cactus in place?" offered Twinklefuck.

The squirrel eel exclaimed a sudden yell of excitement much like that of a slim purple serpent that had an orange mullet and half a moustache.

"This is just simply wonderful!" she gaily exclaimed. Her noodly arms were vibrating at OVER NINE THOUSAND paper shoes a second.

'How intriguing,' remarked Twilight Sparkplugs. 'I think I'll wrote to Prince Celestial about it in the yesterday.'

Twinklefuck, with his eyes fucking twinkling, stood there while Pitobulus handed the squirrel eel the cactus… but there was a development! The cactus was cursed, and when the squirrel eel wrapped its spaghetti around it… she was placed into a Holding spell. Luckily, she could still speak.

'Now we've arrived to my pleasure point!" She pumped through her biceps, and then her head split into five bananas and the converged on a wooden plank on the concrete floor.

The squirrel part of it splayed out onto the floor, spelling some very clear instructions. They read:

_Yo dawg, I'm not the elusive squirrel eel. I am the illusive squirrel eel. Don't you think I was too easy to find? The elusive squirrel eel is my husband, an' oh, elusive he is._

Pitobulus couldn't read.

_He is never home to take up his husbandry duties!_

Pitobulus couldn't understand what was going on.

_To find him, cross the swamp, cross the next swamp, and then cross another swamp. Then, find the rockhenge and cast a spell of EEEUFBLKJFWRGJHLR()*& on it. That will reveal the next step._

Pitobulus couldn't read, though the party didn't know that, so he hid it.

'We all got that?' asked Volimus.

'Yes,' said every party member but Pitobulus.

'Uuh, yeah sure,' said Pitobulus. He decided he'd wang it.

"Okay, so let's have a picnic," Twilight the horse suggested.

"YES!" they all orgasmically shouted, and so the picnic had begun.

Twinklefuck had the honors of lifting the honeypot of doom into a bee hive and setting it on a very cool fire.

Inside the honeypot of doom, Satan was snacking on some sweet, sweet tulips, and all of a sudden a giant, enemy crab dived into his couch.

"YOU HONK MAFAHS! I'LL CURSE ALL YOU PINEAPPLES!"

Borklar's ghost appeared yet again! It got up on its hind legs, for his other half was pony and galloped away.

Satan, although wanting revenge on the party, could not bring himself to leave his honeypot of doom; the giant enemy crab was occupying him. He cast some honey magic towards it (a level twelve _Honeyball_, to be precise); although it turned that it wasn't very effective.

_Would some pot magic be super effective? _thought Satan, _I wonder._

The party of multiple people began to snack on some grass, freshly bitten from the ground. Not even Twelipse Spotato enjoyed this. Borklar's ghost would have loved to join in, but he was dispatched on a top secret CIA mission to capture the elusive squirrel eel of the bounty.

"Okay," ejaculated Volimus, "let's get this ball rollin'. Everyone hop on the giant enemy crab!" Complying with those orders, Pitobulus enjoyed some really nice rice from the cupboard of the illusive squirrel eel.

The entire party got on top of the giant enemy crab.

Twinklefuck flipped the pan and called out 'The pancakes are ready!' He then wondered why he had a pan to flip pancakes on. _Where did this come from? And why do my shoes smell like tacos? _He took off his shoes, summoned up a gate to the Netherworld, and tossed them in. He waved to his cousin Sparklefuck before closing the gate.

GlaDOS exploded.

'Cool portal bro,' said Volimus, grinning because of the pancakes he was inserting into his nostrils (for that is a healthy alternative to eating). 'needs more dragons, yo.'

"All righty!" wallowed Applejack at the top of her secretive lungs, "If you can take this bull by the horns, you better get ready for some PERSONAL SPACE VIOLATION."

The giant enemy crab began rotating at over nine thousand rotations a second, but Pitobulus kept a firm grip of his wangs on the crab's scrotum.

Volimus spoke, "Hmmmm... I wonder what's for dinner." and cast the grandeur speel on the giant enemy crab. The GEC started expanding and spending too much money on shoes, then it imploded because the shoes it acquired were too heavy for its skeletal structure to support.

'Well,' said Ludwig van Beethoven. 'I could fancy some beef.' He disappeared.

'Well,' said Volimus. 'Shall we continue on to the fabled Rockhenge?'

'Yes,' said Pitobulus monotonously. They had fun, fun, fun, fun.


	7. CHAPTER SEVEN THE SEDIMENTARY AREA

**CHAPTER SEVEN THE SEDIMENTARY AREA**

* * *

They packed up their picnic, although they were already a few kilometres away from their picnic site. Volimus used his magic to look at animal porn, while Pitobulus used his wangs to fly around and do stuff... AND STUFF HE DID INDEED.

Twilight Sparkle, oblivious to the fact that Volimus was looking at pictures of her naked, dragged Volimus away from the bushes and they left; to adventure through the many swamps along the way towards the Rockhenge.

They arrived at the Rockhedge.

"Oh shammy stars!" Twinklefuck said, "Looks like I've forgotten my lungs back at the picnic site." So, they ventured back towards the picnic site and reacquired Twinklefuck's lungs.

They restarted the journey to the Rockhedge again.

"Alright mates." Volimus had begun a speech.

"Let's go."

* * *

The party swaggered into the first of many swamps. The ground underneath their feet squished and sloshed from the copious amounts of candy smuggled underneath the ground (which they were not aware of).

Beneath the ground, a party of candy smugglers heard their footsteps. The first, a wretched lich by the name of Bill, spoke.

'These fools shall have the flesh torn from their bones in order for us to make our delicious strawberry flavoured candy. The second candy smuggler agreed with this idea. He really liked how flesh somehow created strawberry flavoured candy.'

The third one spoke, an ecstatic hobbit by the name of Yov. He was only two feet tall, though what he lacked in height, he made up with his lack of hair.

He saide, 'I'ms is a disagrees'ms with this ideasv, mmyes. I's belayvres that we should ams stay here and is distiles the pina-parley cando faust.' He wasn't great at speaking. He had a few grammatical errors, as well as speech problems.

Bill roared in his face, and the roar was so magically pretty that Yov decided to agree with him for once.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Party of Prooolooophreolopo was dining in a Sub-east West Pro-north Southinton Miccy D's. That party was not Volimus's party.

* * *

Meanwhile, Volimus's party was chillin' on some swamp rocks. Little did they know that a party of three candy smugglers was approaching their position. They were already in earshot. A little amount of time later... they were adjacent.

'Woo!' shouted Twinklefuck. He was looking at the previously unnamed candy smuggler, Qwpolitorimatuus the Omnivorious Pork of Fifth.

Qwpolitorimatuus was a twenty foot tall giant. He was also a very good singer. He sang.

_I once knew a wench who was on a bench._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!_

_I once at a pie made out of an eye._

_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!_

_So! Johnny went to the parlor and_

_Asked a wench for a peach._

_She said 'California was a transvestite_

_train which can only breach!'_

_So Johnny looked at her breast and said..._

_'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!_

_'Lalalalalalalala! LADIDA.'_

_I once at a sandwich made by a witch._

_EROLOPHLOPHLOPH._

This is the part where Yov joined in.

_Loph loph loph! I live in a loft!_

_Loph loph loph! I ate Lara Croft!_

The Bill then joined in.

_OMNOMNOMNOMNOM! I'll eat your pants!_

_OMNOMNOMNOMNOM! I'll eat your shirt!_

_I'll eat you naked and then eat your stove._

_OOOOH! DIDIDIDIDIDI LA! Lophlophloph! NOM._

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOM!_

The three candy smugglers may have been sexy.

"Why, I believe this candy is what all smugglers strive for!" Bill, Yov, Micheal Shoemakker and Qwpolitorimatuus began their ambush.

"Oah!" Volimus deflected Bill's secondary hand with his hay-mobile, barely missing a pixie dust fairy.

"Meow!" Pitobulus jacked high into the sky and flew away.

"FUCK!" Twinklefuck didn't say as he kicked Qwpolitorimatuus in the arm. Pitobulus returned and licked Yov, and this in turn caused him to melt like a melting pot of friendship.

Volimus cast the useful spell, which chopped off the beards of Bill and Qwpolitorimatuus. Volimus stroked his beard with grandeur.

"Why, I believe that we now have some virgin chins within our vicinity." Volimus's party laughed heartedly at this magnificent piece of comedy.

'You've removed the source of my alluring powers!' shouted the lich.

Fortunately, the hobbit got better and still had his beard, so he still had power... but a power nowhere near as much power as Twilight Sparkle! Twilight Sparkle's beard was much longer and much more hobo-like! Yov cast an enemyship blast towards her, though it was deflected by her friendship shield. It made him really friendly and he joined Volimus's party.

'Call is, brew,' he sayed. 'Now we can all be happy together with our sexy rainbow powers.' He broke out into interpretive dance. A limousine rolled up beside Yov and the passenger window rolled down with a smooth, mechanical hum.

Inside was a giant wasp sucking the blood out of a porcupine whilst watching _The Bold and the Beautiful_ on the portable telephone mounted on the back of the glass jug. The giant swaggered in and said 'Yo, sup dawg!'

The window closed and the limousine swaggered away.

"Well, that went well." Twilight Spurlunkerdunker said.

They continued their swaggering through the swamp.

* * *

They reached the end of the swamp with grandeur.

'Well,' said Volimus. 'I am going to look at this map.' He focused for a while. 'Ah! I've found the Rockhenge on this map, now I can cast the spell.'

'Eyes don'trel belayve of thems woks of them,' sayed Yov. The party still didn't know his name.

'SILENCE YOU IMPUDENT FOOLS!' shouted Volimus. 'DON'T MAKE ME GO ALL DRAGONBORN UP ON YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.' This was odd and it scared the party.

Volimus drew a magic circle on the ground. It consisted of a pentagram made of pentagrams.

'Get close guys,' said Twinklefuck. 'This is a very dangerous spell.'

EEEUFBLKJFWRGJHLR()*& was a deadly spell indeed.

'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...' hummed Volimus. 'Uuuuuuuuuf... _blllllk_ Jeff, we-erg. Jahoolr... OPEN BRACKET CLOSE BRACKET ASTERISK AND! * *... AND!'

A great wave of REFLOZZOPHLOPHLOPH came from Bill's pie. Unfortunately, that was what was meant to happen. The spell dispelled all other spells around the area... and Yov turned evil again!

'MEOFJUJUJUJUJU!' he laffed, trying to perform an evil laugh.

And only one thing was certain at that point. The next step was to make a sausage rollololol.


	8. CHAPTER EIGHT BEGIN NOW

**CHAPTER EIGHT BEGIN NOW**

* * *

In the year 2015, where motorcycles have two wheels and monster trucks dominated the turkeys, an immersive wave of energy burst out of nowhere, defornicating the remains of the nearby plants on the dusty, orange floor. It was dusk; the Sun had finished it daily routine of rotating around the honky mafah Earth.

The sky was painted with a dark velvet colour, contrasting with the grey clouds it held at the edge. The last rays of the Sun were still visible, but it still gave enough light to see.

The wave of energy dispersed, and a new spherical type of energy started to occur. In large swooping movements, rays of energy orbited around the centre of the origin point. It started to start, and the foul rays of energy turned into foul rays of magic and the spell hastily expanded, disappearing itself, and leaving five slightly cooked party members in its place.

Volimus stared at the sky with curiosity.

"This is the place," he whispered to Borklar's ghost. "This is the place where your death will be avenged and turned into a sandwich."

'Und dies ist das stuhl von stuhlen,' said Yov in German. The only problem was that he was evil, and he just remembered it then.

'I'ms of the kilts us nose.' He sent a blast or erolophlophloph (for that was his special talent; he had a cutie mark to prove it) towards every single party member that was not he. Erolophlophloph was not useful against living things. Yov then died due to running out of MP.

'Well,' said Pitobulus, 'that solves that problem.' He unfurled his wangs, and furled them up again, then unfurled his wangs and made a sausage rollololol. He furled his wangs.

Most party members believed that they would have to start swaggering, but that clearly wasn't the case when the sky erupted with lightning and fire.

"HELLO," bellowed an almighty voice from the sky, "I AM THE _ELUSIVE_ SQUIRREL EEL. BEING THE ELUSIVE AND INCONSPICUOUS BEING THAT I AM, I AM QUITE SURPRISED THAT YOU HAD THE GUTS AND ABILITY TO FIND ME!"

"Well... well... well..." Twinklefuck offered. "It seems that the elusive squirrel eel was hiding under our noses all along."

"CORRECT, MAH BOI, AND I SHALL BE HIDING EVER MORE UNDER YOUR NASAL CAVATIES BEYOND YONDER YEARS!"

"Not if I suck that ten times really fast," Pitobulus muttered. He furled his wangs and launched himself up into the sky.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!" Volimus yelled.

Pitobulus disappeared into the clouds above. The earthbound party members could only watch as lightning and fire erupted throughout the sky.

It was then that they could actually see the elusive squirrel eel. It looked exactly like the other squirrel eel, except it had a backwards cap, a really baggy shirt, fully sick Nikes, and a pair of pants which allowed people to see all of its underwear. The pants proclaimed that it had swag. This was, refolephously, not the case.

"YOU FOOLISH WANG WEILDER!" the elusive squirrel eel addressed to Pitobulus. "HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT YOUR WANG POWERS COULD STAND ERECT TO THE LIKES OF ME!" The elusive squirrel eel batted its noodly arm towards the flying jumble of wangs and Pitobulus swiftly avoided being turned into a pancake.

"You'll have to duel smarter than that if you want a piece of this!" Borklar's ghost said. The elusive squirrel eel caused the sky to catch magnificent blaze as he begun his next speech.

"HI! BILLY MAYS HERE AND I'M HERE TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN!" The shear volume of this speech was enough to put even Volimus to sleep.

Pitobulus's magic moustache started vibrating.

"Oh no," he gaily exclaimed, "this means that there is treasure nearby, and that the elusive squirrel eel is casting one of the most malevolent spells of all."

"JUST LOOK AT THE SUCKING POWER OF THIS CLOTH! IT CAN SUCK LIQUID OFF A TABLE THAT'S OVER FIVE METRES AWAY!"

It was definite. He was casting the almighty spell, the spell that even the gods of spells were afraid to conjure. It was, the...

Then Manbat suddenly appeared and yelled, "You stole my fish you bitch niggers! Bitch niggers gonna pay! Gonna pay in diamonds!" He took off his spandex shirt and revealed the hairiest chest of the world.

Pitobulus, in panic, took off his magic moustasche and threw it on Volimus. His power grew to over nine thousand because of the mighty double moustasche!

"Aaaah... I can feel the power in me." Volimus said, although his mouth did not move. Hastily, Twinklefuck put on his scanner and analyzed Volimus.

"Oh dear daises..." he muttered in disbelief, "he's on his period."

Volimus heaved up his upper torso, unable to contain the raw power of the double moustache. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOAH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!" he screamed.

His mouth doubled in size and his lips turned to fifty shades of red. The pupils of his eyes dilated and his irises became invisible.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

A light-blue laser of pure power shot out of his mouth and hit the swag point of the elusive squirrel eel.

'Oh,' THE ELUSIVE SQUIRREL whispered rather monotonously. He didn't seem interested at all. 'What sort of pastry is this?' he whispered. 'Is it puff?' Sparks were flying everywhere, confusing the party. Volimus, with all of his moustaches, cast an identifty. It turned out that...

... THE ELUSIVE SQUIRREL EEL WAS A _+4 ROBOT OF PETER PAN'S MAGIC CHEESE_!

The party orgasmically gasped in shock.

"W-what?" stuttered Twightli Spalerk, "That can't be right. I left my plus four robot of Peter Pan's magic cheese inside Fluttershy when I left. Ohhh, I hope I remembered to make sure Fluttershy didn't have any skin eruptions."

Twinklefuck spun around three times and faced the steed. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOAH! So this is all the pony's fault!" he whispered, but no one heard him. He opened up a portal to the Netherworld and stepped inside to cry. The portal closed.

The elusive sq- ROBOT! stood there for a while... and then blew up! This was because the laser blast had shorted out a few of its curcuits. It was trying to tell its SW4G-C chip to decode some files, but it was too damaged and the CPU overheated. A few minutes after this, Twinklefuck stepped out of a new portal with a fine dame named Sally. Twinklefuck ate her flesh and everyone lived happily ever after... until something else happened!


	9. CHAPTER NEIN IS PLEASURED

**CHAPTER NEIN IS PLEASURED TO MAKE YOUR AQUANTAINCE**

* * *

Volimus began to cry because his moustache had also overheated, burning out its CPU, GPU, RAM, and hard drive. He was also sad because this had set his regular moustache and beard on fire, burning away all of his magic power. He was no longer a wizard. He was a virgin again.

Twilight Spafjaslfjeakvldfeus turned her head around to Volimus. "You no longer support free wifi? Then I must leave you." She bucked Volimus onto the roof and galloped away.

"And I was planning to make sweet, sweet pancakes to that horse," Volimus sighed, "Oh well." He got up and dusted himself off, then immediately fell on his butt, for throughout his whole life, he never learned to swagger. He always rode some sort of quaped. Before Twilight Sparkle, it was a turtortoise named 'Xzzbtl'.

Borklar's ghost would have said something, but the ghost died without Volimus's beard to support it. It needed that beard to supply his welfare cheques, but unfortunately, the beard was gone.

'Ooooh! Erolophlophloph!' sung Pitobulus. 'I can't get that song out of my head. Well, see ya Volimus. Maybe you'll come around when you grow a new beard, ey?' He flapped his wangs and flew away... but there was a twist!

Pitobulus was actually Frootershy, and he had to leave to make ze magikz.

Twilit saw this and yelped, "No you bitch nigger honky motherfucking cunt son of a whore bastard!" and slit a cut into Frootershy's stomach. Out poured the bounty of the elusive squirrel eel.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHngh!" Twilight had a heart attack and won.

Twinklefuck, with strands of Sally between his teeth, picked up the bounty. It was a bag of lemon flavoured chocolate frogs and a two dollar note. 'Blue,' said Twinklefuck.

He picked up the bounty and scootahooted outta there.

Volimus opened his eyes (for he was oiling his eye lids) and saw Twinklefuck swaggering away with the bounty. He was robbin'

_Oh no _thought Volimus. _Stop! Twinklefuck!_ Then he got off the ground and smacked his own rump.

"Yeeeeehaw!"

Volimus galloped and over nine thousand nano metres a year and caught up with Twinklefuck.

"Mah boi," he started explaining to Twinklefuck, "that bounty is what all true warriors strive for."

'Yes,' said Twinklefuck. 'Anyway, you were a wizard, and you aren't a wizard anymore.'

Volimus realised that he was right and stopped striving for the bounty.

The non-magical wizard begun to solemnly swagger off into the distance, the sun rising across the horizon, enforcing his extended shadow. Frootershy was flailing about helplessly on the ground. He was spinning right 'round, baby right 'round. Like a record player, right 'round baby!

All was well for the party, for the people, and all of the worlds previously mentioned...

... except there was only one problem.

* * *

_**The pastry.**_


	10. EPILOGUE

**EPILOGUE THIS ISN'T COOL ENOUGH TO BE A CHAPTER**

* * *

P.S. When Volimus was looking at pictures of Twilight naked in a bush, that is all he was doing.


End file.
